Alexis Ren Could Not Be Hotter or More Barely Legal

I stand accused of finding Alexis Ren to be just out of this universe in the hotness department. This blonde native L.A. model has twisted my insides and untwisted by outsides since the day I first laid peeps upon her. And, now, well, now Alexis is eighteen and I’ve got some things to say about Alexis in this uber sextastic Mitch Tomlinson photoshoot.

Things like, Alexis, might I inspect your navel for a couple hours while blindfolded. Consider it an ancient Inuit getting to know each other tradition prior to me making many many babies with you. I don’t necessarily want to raise the children, but we can find them good homes in celebrity domiciles while we proceed to make more. We shall be fruitful and multiple and not wear any clothing for the next decade or so as we go about our sacred mission of planting and reaping and repeating. Damn, you look so good. I would give up gluten for you. But, please, don’t make me. If we’re to create many miracles in many positions, I’m going to need some pizza. I think I just cried. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Mitch Tomlinson

Alice Goodwin Is Your Hot Brunette Fantasy Girl, Go On, Admit Your Naughitness!

 
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Sometimes I’m shouting at you, but I’m really shouting at myself. That’s why my shrink the esteemed Dr. Wilcox-Spangler told me recently in session. So, perhaps Alice Goodwin is my hot brunette fantasy girl and I’m the naughty one. It certainly seems within the realm of possibility. I do happen to love beautiful women with raven hair and jugs that could contain me like the happiest prisoner on earth.

Feature in the Zoo Magazine hottest brunettes list, Alice Goodwin continues a relatively long and hallowed career of making men feel like a man and women feel just a little bit more like a horny Ellen Page than they might otherwise. Oh, Alice, why would Mother Nature even invent such a bodacious bosomed passion inducing hottie named Alice except to tease the heck out of the rest of us? I have no answers, just eyeballs blowing out like Bluto. Alice Goodwin, you move my soul. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Zoo Magazine

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Lindsay Lohan and Sister Ali Lohan Leggy Lovelies at LOVE Magazine Christmas Party in London

It wouldn’t really be Christmas without Lindsay Lohan and her ample chest making an appearance at some Yuletide fiestas. Lindsay and her little sister Ali Lohan cleaned up rather nicely for the Love magazine Christmas party in London town last night. Now, I wasn’t invited to that event, but Big Joe from the smoked meats store down the block here told me to come by for eggnog and brisket next Monday. No need to clean up for that.

Lindsay Lohan has been starring in a legit theater production in England the past several months. The reviews have been not so surprisingly not super positive. Yet, we haven’t heard or seen of Lindsay falling down in the street since she started her new gig. And with family by her side, at least, family that hasn’t tried to ruin her in the past, perhaps she’s back on track to being the ginger topped racktastic lovely of our previous not super distant ago dreams. She has the shape working. If she can just hold back on that sauce. Here’s to hoping for a healthy showy Lindsay in 2015. And Little Sis too, naturally. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlyNet / GSI / Splash News

Andrea Torres Wicked Hot Filipina Bikini Dreams in FHM

Mmm, a silent and vocal mmm both for Filipina hottie Andrea Torres, the model and actress who lights up FHM Phillippines this month with some bikini top shots and swimsuit poses that are downright upright if you happen to be in mad lust with sextastic minxy island girls. And I’m guessing you are.

One of my annual goals, New Year’s resolutions if you will, is to expand the global sweet lady finding radar of Egotastic! to find even more ridiculously fine women in nations not always on the common celebrity smoking hot list. I think I’ve done okay, but in 2015 I intend to do even better. As my sixth grade teacher Mr. Ropesburger pointed out to me, son, you’re getting C’s when I know if you apply yourself you could be a B-minus student. There is always room for improvement. If that means flying to Manila and launching a scout team to find every famous hot pinay within a radius of 500 miles, off I go. This is my quest. Obviously, it’ll have to be on a non-football weekend, but other than that, my bags are packed. Andrea Torres, you have inspired me thusly. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FHM Magazine

Irina Shayk Knows How To Wear Bikinis And Other Fine Things To Ogle

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Irina Shayk can fill out a bikini like no other. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kylie Jenner wore a crop top to play Santa at a kid’s hospital. (TMZ)

Jennifer Lopez shows off her famous curves in Self Magazine. (Huffington Post)

Nicki Minaj‘s calendar features…wait for it…her booty. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane “Gigi” Paris has some big ‘ol funbags. (Popoholic)

Britney Spears is looking pretty hot in Women’s Health. (Dlisted)

Demi Lovato is like a hot intergalactic punk alien in Allure Magazine. (COED)

Summer St. Claire Removes Her Top and My World Goes to Happy Pieces

 
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It’s always Summer somewhere. I should amend that to say, I’m always ogling Summer St. Claire somewhere, year round, because I happen to have a thing for hot brunettes with perfectly divine funbags who love to strip on camera. I know, it’s just me. What? You too? Well then you’re welcome to enter the Honeycomb Hideout of hotties I’ve made my life’s work.

Summer St. Claire reminds me that you don’t even need particularly good lighting if you have one stellar fine female form and some lingerie that doesn’t stay on for very long. Oh, those delicious passion inducing teats on Summer St. Claire. Just so motorboatable, even though that’s technically not a word though it clearly should be. She inspires my head to the left and the right in rapid fashion whilst making outboard engine sounds. No doubt. Summer, you’ve once against helped us conquer winter. Bless your entire body of work. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Summer St. Claire

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Megan Fox Camel Toe Flashes Signs of Life in Her Gym Tights

Aw, mom. You’re never too grown up to sport some camel toe in tights in public. I don’t care how much Megan Fox has retreated from the sextastic spotlight since marrying Brian Austin-Green Self-Employed (B.A.G.S.) and bearing him children. She will always be Foxy to me. And, she will always be into blessed stretch pants pulled up tight into her personal cubicle.

I certainly miss the old Megan Fox something awful. She had a run there like nobody’s business for several years. Then life’s circumstances caused her to change paths, which I can respect, but still not be very happy with. I’d like to think that with so many years of hotness left in the tank, Megan will return to us gentleman oglers one day in half shirts and short dresses and lingerie and less. Without hope, what do we have? Okay, well yes, tons of archival pictures. And the occasional camel toe in the Valley. So not completely bereft. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlyNet